It has been so long since I have been able to keep you all posted on the things going on in my life. I was down & out for some time where the pain in my life had just consumed me, though I was wearing a smile on my face it was only a painted on picture over the pain, over the tears, over all of the things in my life, that I just couldn't fully understand. I prayed through the storms of life yet I felt empty, I felt alone & was left not understanding what I was doing wrong. Well I fought & fought through those emotions I was left with, pain in my heart from missing my brother & feeling so helpless, physical pain that I continued to trust that God was removing with time, Pain from seeing the pain that my children were dealing with, that I wanted so bad to take away, The feeling of isolation, feeling that I had to remain strong because that is what people expected of me, & that is what I have come to expect from myself.  The thoughts are flowing so fast from my heart I feel like it is called of me to tell it like it as it flows from my heart directly onto this blog. We are just man looking for love & looking to love, but I can not express to you enough that unless we know the realness and to the depths of Gods love we can never give or receive that Love as God has intended us to. This is no way to boast in fact it is just the opposite, I have heard it said to me so many times, God has called you, He only gives to people what he knows they can Handle, God wouldn't take you to it unless he was going to bring you through it. Well all those things have stuck with me through the years and I felt that I had to keep that smiling face on, I had to remain that strong Christian woman that others thought I was. The woman that people don't call to see how I am because they just expect me to be good, or the woman that doesn't get a call because people don't know what to say. I am the one that since I have faced so many things feeling alone I know how others feel & try my best to rush to their side in some of their most trying times. Well let me just cut to where I am going with this post. I was alone because I chose to be alone, I appeared to be strong because it was God giving me the strength that I needed to get through that particular moment in time. Did I throw you off? Don't worry I will try my best to explain to you where I am going with this. Most of the time when I appeared to be strong that was real & that was the strength I received from God, but the times where I disappeared & was nowhere to be heard of or even seen that was because I was in my most weakest of times & I didn't want others to see me as such. We are all allowed natural human emotions, it is what we decide to do during those moments in life that determine our true strength. If most of the time I appear to be strong because those are the moments I choose to be forthcoming with, than not only am I not being transparent to those who care about me but I'm fooling myself. A person who can go to others when they are hurting, when they feel weak, when they are in need of prayer are stronger than a person who appears to be strong a 100% of the time but are hiding a good 40% of the time when they are not. I have failed at many things in my life & 2 weeks ago God showed me clear as day why that is. I tend to start something completely driven but lose ambition 30% into it. I had some major 1on1 time with God & told him everything in my heart, who was I fooling he already knows it all anyhow, he was just waiting for me to be real with him. God I don't understand why I am still in this pain I have trusted that you would take it from me but its still here, God my son is working so hard to walk & telling me how he is going to & its 7 years later & he still isn't, God I get so upset that others can not believe that my brother will be healed & they think we are setting ourselves up for disappointment, why can you just show them that you really can heal. God all these things in my life are based around extreme faith & I have always felt that I have had just that, but now I am beginning to wonder why. & in that peaceful calm moment I felt ashamed but God embraced me with his love & All I could feel at that very moment was his unexplainable love, he wasn't dissapointed in me for those feelings, for those questions. Its in those moments he uses to recharge my faith, its in those moments where I am reminded why I continue to choose to walk this walk. I don't walk this faith walk because of what he can do for me, I walk this walk because it is through that Faith that I am given the hope to hold onto his promises. How much easier is it to except from the life we have been given, how much easier is it to walk away from something because we except it as we see it. Faith is not believing what we see! It's believing in what we don't yet see. It's so simple that we make it so complicated. When I am crying in my room that hopeless painful cry, God uses my son Isaac to speak to me...."Mommy its going to be ok, Jesus will heal you, You just have to keep believing" How simple yet powerful is that. Here my 7 year old son who wasn't even suppose to live past birth, who faces challenges every day, & works hard so that one day he can walk, is reminding me, Mom it's going to be ok, we are Healed because that is Jesus' promise to us. That is why we walk this walk. Forgive me if I sound all over the place but for the past 3 days I have felt defeated all over again, upset at life, upset about life. God has given us his word as his promises, it is up to us to stand firm in the things that he has promised to & for us. How easy is it to give up & move on to the next & keep doing so hoping that one day things will work out just because they are suppose to. That's pretty easy in fact that is pretty cowardly. I was being a coward full of self pitty & it took my 7 year old to stir up in me & remind me why we walk this faith Journey. God is a good God, who loves us, never leaves & never forsakes us. It is us who choose to walk away because we aren't happy with his timing. I am reminded this day it is Gods timing not ours. I know that he has given to me, many many many blessings in my life & I choose this day not to take them for granted. It is so easy for us to throw our hands up and say God I just can't do this any more I just cant, & that is when we are able to hear that still small voice remind us we can't but God can. Wow he is so good. He loves us not because we are worthy of his love, he Loves us because he is God, he has called us, now we just need to make a choice to listen. Thank you for listening as I shared my heart, I know it might not make sense to you but God has used it to click something in my spirit & for that I am greatful! I pray for you this day that if you are feeling hopeless that you are reminded to throw up your hands & give it to God, alone we are nothing and can do nothing but Gods power is great! I know that God has a purpose for your life & it is up to you to make a decision to walk in that purpose. Though you may not understand at this very moment why you are faced with the certain trials in your life, put your hope, faith & trust in him and one day the clarity will be given to you along with such peace. The trials we face in this life are not only used as stepping stones to grow stronger in Christ through them, but we can make a choice to share with others the trials we have been faced with, but have overcome with Gods help, that they to can make those same choices. I pray for clarity in your heart over your mind. Let not these circumstances in life be in vain but turn these test into your testimony! Share Gods love, share your story, someone may be in need to hear it today! I love you & God Loves you! <3 Straight from my heart 2 yours! <3